Why I Don't Do NANOWRIMO

I really should have written "participate in" instead of "do".


It's November! Which means it's the Post Halloween Depression for a week and then it's officially Christmas. Don't complain to me, I don't make the rules.
It also means it's NANOWRIMO month. Legit don't know why I added month afterwards. Which stands for National Novel Writing Month. Even though it's an international thing, but whatevs.

I've tried to do NANOWRIMO before, I think it was last year. But I gave up. I didn't get far into the story either, probs about 5000 words at most. I just ended up losing enthusiasm for what I was writing and I had to do school work which then made me feel too lazy to write.
Most of the time the only motivation I had was Written Kitten and that sometimes glitched on my old laptop, so new pictures didn't appear.

I also have a problem of not planning things before I write them, which works fine for essay and coursework, but not my own personal work. I want to be able to take pride in my own work, because I certainly don't give a shit about my school work. It may get good grades, but I still hate it.
I've never taken any pride in my personal work, I always hate what I've written.
The problem with not planning personal work is that you've often got unlimited time so you're not having to rush in a blind panic, as I do with school work. This means I'm staring a blank screen with ideas, but no idea how to form them or what to do with them.

I don't think it helps that I don't often seek for any opinions on it. Even when I do, it's from strangers on the internet and I worry about asking them to elaborate on their opinions because I come off as rude or bitchy, which I am, but we try to hide this.
I received nice comments from when I've posted work on Archive of Our Own or Wattpad mostly deleted now, but it's mostly "that's nice, keep up the good work", which doesn't really make me feel anything.

I think in my life, I've only finished two stories, both short, both shit. One was on Wattpad, called something like The Fortunes and Misfortunes of Pandora. It was very bad, I don't remember a lot of it. Apparently, there was a hotel made of glass. I wouldn't know. All I remember is that it was very cringy and hopefully deleted from existence.
The other, surprisingly school work, was a four (A4) page short story about a guy who kills six people, one of them being himself. I was a cheery thirteen year-old. It ended up in the school's anthology. But I technically cheated by writing it on a computer when most people had to hand write theirs and by having extra time because I wrote it at home. But as my friend said, the only reason it ended up there was because I got a good grade from having spell check and a good ability to edit it. I didn't want to believe them at first, but I've come to realise it's true. I've never been able to write a full story again, so it definitely wasn't talent.

I feel as if my ideas are pretty terrible. They often sound like Tumblr threw up, but they're what I want to read. I'm sick of skinny, white, straight, cis people dominating media. The only problem is I don't know how to execute them and I worry it'll end up really bad.

I've lost passion for writing. I've lost passion for everything really. I don't really enjoy any of my hobbies anymore. I've quit my drama group because I felt like an idiot for even trying when no one thought I had potential. I've barely done any art since I found out I'd got a B in an art GCSE. There's no point in doing something you're not passionate in, but I used to be and I want to be again. But I feel as I'm never going to improve, even if I try.

I don't have anything thing against the format of NANOWRIMO itself, I'm just too lazy to put in the effort needed to succeed.

Have any of you ever taken part in NANOWRIMO or written anything at all? Had did you do? Comment below.